I don’t know. I feel so wrong right now.

I mean, picture it: everyone you love, all of your friends, your Family’s Mother or Father, everyone standing there, watching proudly as you kill yourself. That’s the dream, right? You’d do it in a heartbeat, and with a smile on your face, right?

So many of my friends throughout my life have been chosen. Stephen, Danny, Kimberly, Cameron, Patricia, Jackie, Ryan, Amber, Jenna; none of them have ever questioned it, so what’s wrong with me?

I shouldn’t feel the way I do right now. I should feel invigorated, proud, excited. But instead I just…I feel like I’m not looking forward to it as much as everyone else does. To whoever is reading this, has anyone you know who’s gotten the honor of the Greatest Sacrifice ever questioned it?

My best friend Danny’s Greatest Sacrifice ceremony was in November. He found out about a month before it, and I don’t think his smile left his face since that moment. He smiled when he went to sleep, was smiling when he woke up in the morning, smiling while he walked up the steps to the Sacrificial Altar, and had the biggest grin of all when he put the revolver to his temple, thanked Mother, and pulled the trigger.

You could just tell, that when he stood there in front of everyone (about 40 of us, plus the ~15 people in the red robes that show up for all the Honor Ceremonies, but I don’t know who they are), he was the happiest he’d ever been in his life. His daughter had just been born, Mother herself had just overseen he and his wife’s fourth Commitment Before God, and he was chosen to make the Greatest Sacrifice, what more could someone want out of life?

I want to feel that, and I did, at first. But it’s been fading.

When Mother’s assistants came and got me, I was so excited. I’ve spent my whole life, almost 27 years, with Mother’s Family. She’s great, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to give the impression that Mother is anything less than perfect; when my own parents randomly up and left me an orphan, Mother took me in and took care of me. I’ll never forgive my parents for that. Who could just leave their baby? Mother said it would be better if I didn’t know their names, and I’m glad she never told me. I will always appreciate Mother, and I should feel ecstatic that She and God chose me this time, I’ve been waiting since I was 10.

I’m supposed to go to Paradise tomorrow. God and Mother came to the agreement that my Greatest Sacrifice is to be made by hanging. I definitely would’ve preferred a gunshot, or even taking the Ending Medicine like Jenna did (even though, as we all know, that’s a really long ceremony), but it’s better than the Ten Cuts or standing in the icebox until I die, I guess.

So I don’t know how your Families organize your Revelations of Sin, but in my Family, we go to a small town of wayward people with no Families near Mother’s land. We go to this town and have to spend two suns there, talk to the Godless people, learn about the sins of people with no Family (since, as you know, people who don’t know what sins they’ve resisted can’t possibly get into Paradise). Last night I met a man at a coffee shop (don’t worry, I didn’t get coffee), and we began talking.

He said what I was telling him was ridiculous. I told him the facts though: that he is the Godless one, and that he’s just bitter that he’ll never make it to Paradise. He told me I should write down how I’m feeling and that he would write it on a computer and make it so the world could see. So I guess besides helping me with my second-guessing myself, can you please tell this man (his name is Nick) that the Greatest Sacrifice is the highest honor a human being can get?

I talked with him for a while though, and I mean, again, I know he’s a Godless sinner with no Family, so that speaks more to his character than anything. But he said that the Greatest Sacrifice sounds like something only brainwashed people look forward to, that the “real world” doesn’t have Mothers and Fathers in the way “I think” it does. It’s obviously a ridiculous notion, but it’s an interesting thing to think about.

Anyways.

I guess I’m just feeling like I haven’t done enough yet. I still haven’t committed to anyone before God, I have no children, no one to make proud when my lifeless body sways from the Sacrificial Tree next to the Altar. And I know Mother will be proud, but it won’t be the same kind of proud like Matthew and Linda felt when their 11-year-old son Joseph had to jump from the top of the Tree onto the jagged sticks they set up on the Altar.

You’re probably reading this and thinking I’m a coward, and I don’t blame you. I probably am. Feeling that rope tighten around my neck sounds incredible, right? I know it should, but I’m just kind of wishing I was as excited as when Danny shot his face off, or when Karen had her arms and legs cut off, or when Bill set himself on fire. I know after it happens I’ll be in Paradise, but there’s so much stuff I still want to do here.

I also wanted to thank this man helping me. Nick seems like a good man despite being Godless. I’m sure all of your Mothers and Fathers have told you how terrible the Godless people are, but I’ve found at least one who doesn’t seem very bad, he’s just very ignorant to the ways of the world. I’ve suggested he come to Mother’s land and meet our Family when he has some free time, told him that maybe he could be lucky enough to one day get picked by Mother and God, and he could get to Paradise someday too.

I want to say again how honored I am that Mother and God chose me, and express my sincerest apologies for my feelings. I know I’m flip-flopping a lot here. I’m just gonna do it. I really just needed to get it off my chest. This time tomorrow I’ll be in Paradise, feasting with God and Danny and everyone I listed before. I can’t wait to see the smiles on everyone’s faces when I jump from the branch of the Sacrificial Tree and give my life to God so Mother can continue living forever and helping people (she’s been helping people for almost 2,000 years, as I’m sure your Family’s Mother or Father has told you. She’s incredible).

I hope that each and every one of you get chosen to kill yourselves, and that you aren’t plagued with these blasphemous thoughts and feelings like I am. I’ll be at the coffee shop all day (until it’s time to go back Home) to read your advice on how to be more content with this amazing honor, if you have any. I’m gonna do it, but I want to go into it with a clear head and a willingness beyond reproach.